Do you ever want to shout “Don’t touch me!” at people who hug or touch you unexpectedly? Do you feel guilty for shrinking away from a loved one’s hug? For women healing from addiction and trauma, learning to set healthy boundaries can be huge in restoring a sense of safety and control. Boundaries protect your emotional and physical space, creating an environment where you can truly heal. But when someone invades that space—whether intentionally or not—it can be deeply unsettling. Especially for those with a history of physical or sexual trauma, such violations can trigger powerful emotional responses, making it harder to feel safe and supported. This discomfort can even lead to relapse if not addressed. Below, we’ll talk about setting boundaries and why it can be crucial for recovery.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries can shift for people in different ways and different seasons of life. They are essential to healthy relationships and setting yourself up for feeling less like a doormat and more like a human being. Sustaining boundaries can be tiring at first when you are not used to it—it’s a skill many people don’t learn. In recovery, however, you’re more likely to thrive if you can start to identify the spaces where you lack healthy boundaries, what it feels like in your brain and body, and how to set personal limits so you can maintain them long-term.
Why Boundaries Are Important in Recovery
Every human being has an inherent need for personal space—a comfort zone that is unique to each person. When someone invades this space, it can feel unsettling, violating, and triggering. If you’ve experienced trauma, such as physical or sexual abuse, having someone enter your space without permission can cause a flood of difficult emotions, stress, and anxiety. This is why learning how to set boundaries—both physical and emotional—is crucial for maintaining a sense of safety and control over your own life.
Understanding Your Personal Space and Comfort Zone
Your personal space bubble is an invisible barrier that surrounds you and defines where you’re comfortable. It may vary depending on the situation or the relationship with the person you’re interacting with. Some people naturally require more space, while others may be more comfortable with close physical proximity. However, when someone crosses that line, it can create an intense discomfort. A space invader might not realize they’re encroaching on your buffer zone, but it’s important to stay calm and assertive when communicating your needs.
Your emotional comfort zone also requires boundaries. Emotional boundaries protect you from feeling overwhelmed by the emotions of others. For instance, if a person is sharing too much personal information or expressing their emotions in a way that feels intrusive, it’s important to set limits to safeguard your emotional well-being.
Setting Limits
When you know where you stand, you find solid ground. Boundaries that are pushed to the limit can often make a person feel like they are not even in their body any longer. It helps to consider what you can tolerate and what brings on the stress response (cortisol spike, agitation, heart beating faster, breathing harder). Notice the signs when certain people push limits and learn when to put your foot down. Start by writing them down, work them out in therapy or with a trusted sober friend, and learn how to set them up in a healthy way to keep the person from pushing past them time and again.
How to Set Personal Boundaries
Setting boundaries is not always easy, especially if you’re used to accommodating others or feel guilty about asserting your needs. However, it’s essential to practice the art of saying no when necessary, and to recognize that it’s okay to prioritize your own mental and physical health.
Recognize Your Own Space Needs: Take note of how you feel when people invade your space. Are you uncomfortable when someone sits too close to you or speaks too loudly? Research shows that our bodies often give us signals through body language or facial expressions when our space is being threatened. For instance, you may notice yourself pulling back, crossing your arms, or tensing up when someone gets too close. These are signs that your personal boundaries need to be respected.
Set Limits Assertively: If someone is invading your space—whether physical or emotional—it’s important to set clear limits. You might say something like, “I need a little more room,” or “I prefer not to share that information right now.” Saying this calmly and confidently helps others understand your boundaries without feeling aggressive or confrontational.
Use Your Body Language: If you feel someone is getting too close, your body language can serve as a non-verbal way to communicate your need for space. A simple step back, adjusting your posture, or even a slight turning of the body can signal to others that you’re uncomfortable with the proximity.
Don’t Feel Guilty for Taking Care of Yourself: Many women in recovery struggle with feelings of guilt when setting boundaries, especially if they feel they are letting someone down. Remember that setting personal boundaries is not selfish; it’s a vital step toward self-care. You deserve to protect your emotional well-being just as much as anyone else.
Respect Emotional Boundaries: Emotional boundaries are just as important as physical boundaries. If someone is overwhelming you with their emotions or demands, it’s okay to say that you need a moment to process. Setting emotional boundaries ensures that you’re not absorbing more than you can handle and allows you to stay grounded in your own feelings.
Create a Buffer Zone with Noise: Loud music, constant talking, or other disruptive noises can be intrusive when you’re trying to focus on your recovery. If you’re sharing a space with others, it’s okay to request a quieter environment by saying, “I need a little more peace and quiet to focus.” If someone isn’t respecting your need for silence, kindly assert your need for a different environment or to have the volume turned down.
Be Direct
When setting boundaries, be direct about what you need. Beating around the bush leaves the door open for them to take advantage. Language is key. The word “maybe” is not “no.” Even if the other person feels disrespected, learn how not to own someone else’s feelings on this. Partners in a relationship and friends who care for one another need to communicate openly and honestly about how they feel. This helps build trust to express challenges in holding boundaries. Some things to keep in mind:
The other person or people will likely feel uncomfortable because this is new
Don’t feel guilty asking for what you need
Speak up when boundaries are pressed
Let go of needing to be accepted by others through taking on their values and ideas
Speak up when it happens and remind them of the limits you’re willing to accept
Setting limits boldly is tricky. People have a short memory when it comes to things until it becomes a habit. Make a positive, healthy habit out of telling others what you need and they should come around. If they don’t, it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship.
Self-Care is Key
Recovery is all about self-care now and in the future. Addiction strips away the ability to take care of yourself and others you love. Now you are in recovery; make it a priority. This means giving yourself permission to be first on your list instead of last. Recognize the importance of your feelings and honor them. They serve as an important clue about wellbeing and happiness. Putting yourself first helps bring peace of mind because you don’t feel like you’re being walked all over. It is a healthy way to live your life even if others find it challenging.
Small Changes
The hardest thing to accept in recovery may be that no changes happen overnight. It takes months and even years of rebuilding your life to formulate new habits, boundaries, and relationships. Don’t stress over whether or not you’re “getting it right.” There is healing in just making little changes to create a lasting impact. If you are not sure what you want to do or how to do it, talk to someone.
Find a trusted sober companion, friend, or loved one who can help make this easier. If that doesn’t work, speak to your counseling team or therapists and ask how to make this stick. It will not be an easy task at first. It may even feel so hard you want to quit. Don’t give up. Boundaries are an essential part of being healthy in recovery. Do the hard work now if you want to maintain a lasting recovery.
Casa Capri offers personalized treatment designed to help women who are struggling with addiction find hope and a purpose. We provide a holistic treatment model that enables women to be vulnerable in a small intimate community with other women looking to heal. Here, we help women build the skills they need to set and respect personal boundaries. Whether you’re in group therapy, individual counseling, or sharing a room with a fellow client, learning how to safeguard your own space is a crucial part of recovery. By understanding your emotional and physical boundaries, you take an important step toward healing and self-empowerment.
If you are ready to quit using drugs or alcohol, call Casa Capri today: 844-593-8020
