The day a daughter is born is often filled with emotion. For some women, it’s extremely joyful. For other women, it creates fear, anxiety, and worry about the days ahead. They know the responsibility is going to be different now, and that caring for this child will require lots of patience and persistence.
Watching your daughter grow up and struggle with drug addiction or alcohol addiction can be one of the most heartbreaking experiences for a mother. When she starts blaming you for her struggles, the pain can feel unbearable. Many family members find themselves feeling guilt, confusion, and a deep desire to help—but unsure how. One of the biggest challenges is knowing how to face an adult daughter who has an addiction, has perhaps been struggling for years, and now needs help. Knowing how to help her in the best way possible can be a support for the long days ahead. If you’re in this position, it’s essential to understand the dynamics of substance abuse and how to navigate these complex emotions while supporting your daughter’s recovery journey.
Why Does an Alcoholic Daughter Blame Her Mother?
Blame is often a defense mechanism for people dealing with a substance use disorder. Whether it’s drug addiction or alcohol addiction, your daughter might be projecting her pain, shame, or frustration onto you. Addiction clouds judgment, distorts reality, and can lead to hurtful accusations toward family members.
It’s crucial to remember that her words, while painful, are often a reflection of her inner turmoil rather than an accurate portrayal of your parenting. Substance abuse can warp relationships, but it doesn’t mean the bond you share is beyond repair.
Making Choices
Mothers of adult daughters with addiction often feel a heavy burden. They may recognize the ways their own challenges, addictions, and issues have led to this point. They may have guilt or shame that they could not stop their daughter from experiencing this pain. They may go back and think about how they parented, wondering where it all went wrong. The truth is, there is nothing in a book written about addiction that says for sure how it happens one way or the other. Whether it is biology or psychology, or even physiology, there is a little bit of making good choices, and a lot of other factors that play into whether a person becomes addicted. When it comes to making good choices, it may seem like the person had a choice to use the drug at that party or not. In their heads, the biology, cells, and trauma stored from the past may have motivated them to be curious to know whether this would alleviate the pain they felt, help them deal with stress, or was a choice made under pressure from peers. Although it seems like making good choices is the reason people don’t use drugs, it is rarely about choice and more about the myriad other factors that play a role. Mothers cannot solely blame themselves for their daughter’s addiction but they can look at the ways they may be helpful in supporting their healing journey and move forward with hope.
Here are 6 tips to help your daughter when she blames you for her addiction:
1. Offer (Limited) Support
Mothers especially want to help their daughters, which can lead to enabling behaviors. To support them the best way possible, it helps to look at the bigger picture. Don’t give money that will help them continue the behavior they are doing now. If they are addicted, they will likely use that money for drugs. Instead of giving money to support her, offer a bag of groceries and homemade food if that helps her. Try not to enable further by paying bills, keeping her out of responsibility by owning what should be hers to do. When she feels the weight of her consequences is when she is more likely to back down and ask for help.
2. Find Support
The best support a mother can find their daughter is one that helps her holistically. Mothers cannot help their daughters if they don’t want help, but interventions can be one way to support their journey to recovery. It may be also that mothers can offer to find rehab if they are ready and get them signed up so they can go. If they are not willing, no amount of pushing will get them into treatment. That is one of the hardest things as a mother to cope with, but it is the reality of addiction.
3. Love Unconditionally
No matter what, a mother’s love endures. Mothers who never stop loving their daughters and offering support can help them see that they are still loved in spite of their choices. It means holding her accountable for her behavior, treating her like an adult child who needs help, but also refusing to overstep boundaries and enable the behavior to continue.
4. Protect the Family
The family is going to suffer as a result of this loved one’s behavior. Mothers often want to protect one child but forsake others in the family. It helps to look at the ways mothers can help the daughter find healing without pulling everyone else down. The whole family does not need to go down the same pathway. They can refuse to participate in the challenges of addiction with this daughter that include enabling or negative behaviors. They can, instead, focus on healthy, healing behaviors that promote family togetherness in helping her find the support she needs for long-term recovery. If the family is dysfunctional, this will be very difficult as one parent or caregiver may seek to help that person at all costs and not support the other people in the family. Siblings may be resentful as a result. Family counseling is often helpful in this regard to help guide the journey of healing.
5. Encourage Addiction Treatment
If your daughter is willing, guide her toward addiction treatment. Treatment centers often involve family members in the recovery process, helping to mend strained relationships and foster mutual understanding. If she resists, consider consulting with a professional interventionist who can provide strategies to help her take the first step toward recovery.
6. Self Care
Mothers often forsake their own care for their kids. With a drug or alcohol problem, this can manifest tenfold, resulting in lots of pain and trauma for the family. Mothers need to practice good self-care if they are to help their loved ones heal from addiction. Parents can take care of themselves by shifting their role of caretaker to supporter and cheerleader. They cannot make choices for the loved one, but they can help them by setting limits, supporting with love, and encouraging them to seek help. This takes the burden of the mother and she is able to leave time for herself so she can focus on her own healing journey. Even if an alcoholic daughter blames mother, it’s crucial that they not blame themselves.
Rebuilding the Mother-Daughter Relationship
Healing takes time, but it is possible with patience, understanding, and professional support. If your daughter is willing to seek addiction treatment, the process can help her gain the tools to confront her drug or alcohol problem, take responsibility for her actions, and rebuild trust within your family.
Remember, you’re not alone. Many mothers face the challenges of supporting a child with substance use disorder. By educating yourself, setting boundaries, and encouraging recovery, you can play a vital role in helping your daughter overcome her addiction while protecting your own well-being.
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. With compassion, boundaries, and professional support, you and your daughter can find a path toward healing and renewed connection.
Casa Capri provides a healing space for mothers, daughters, and women of all walks of life who are seeking help for addiction. We provide a safe space to be vulnerable in an intimate setting that looks at addiction in a holistic manner. We help you navigate the journey of healing with holistic experiences like breathwork, yoga, mindfulness, and nutrition that helps women rebuild their bodies from the inside out. If you are ready to quit using drugs, or you support a loved one with addiction, call Casa Capri today: 844-593-8020
FAQs: When Your Adult Child Struggles with Drugs or Alcohol and Blames You
1. Why does my adult child blame me for their alcohol problem?
Many parents of individuals with substance use issues struggle with feelings of guilt when their child blames them. Substance use disorders often cause distorted thinking, leading to misplaced blame. Your adult child might be projecting their inner struggles onto you as a defense mechanism. While it’s essential to listen, it’s equally important to recognize that you are not responsible for their choices regarding drugs or alcohol.
2. How can I help my adult child if they have an alcohol problem but refuse to take responsibility?
Start by encouraging open and compassionate communication. Avoid being confrontational, as this may push them further away. Offer information about resources, such as addiction treatment programs or support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous. If they are unwilling to address their alcohol use disorder, consider seeking guidance from a professional interventionist to navigate this difficult situation.
3. Is substance use in adult children a common issue?
Yes, many parents face challenges related to their adult child’s substance use. Drug abuse and alcohol abuse are widespread issues that affect individuals across all demographics. It’s crucial to remember that you’re not alone, and there are resources available to support both you and your child during this time.
4. How do I set boundaries with my adult child who struggles with drug abuse or an alcohol problem?
Setting boundaries is essential to protecting your well-being while helping your child. For example, you can state that while you support their recovery, you will not tolerate abusive language, enable their behavior, or provide financial support for drinking alcohol or drug abuse. Clear, consistent boundaries can encourage them to seek help for their substance use.
5. What if my child denies their alcohol problem or drug abuse?
Denial is common among many addicts and can be a significant barrier to recovery. If your child denies their substance use problem, focus on expressing your concerns without judgment. Share specific examples of how their drinking alcohol or drug abuse has affected their life and your family. Encourage them to consider professional help, even if it means starting with a conversation with a counselor.
6. Can family therapy help address the blame my adult child places on me?
Family therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing the dynamics of blame and conflict in families affected by substance use. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore underlying issues, improve communication, and rebuild trust. Family therapy can also help many parents navigate the challenges of supporting their adult child without enabling harmful behavior.
7. Should I join a support group if my adult child struggles with drugs or alcohol?
Yes, joining a support group like Al-Anon or a similar network for parents of individuals with substance use disorders can provide valuable insight and emotional support. Many parents find comfort in connecting with others who understand their struggles, learning strategies to cope, and gaining hope for their child’s recovery.
8. How can I encourage my child to seek help for their alcohol use disorder or drug addiction?
Approach the conversation with compassion and a focus on solutions. Share your concerns about their substance use and suggest options like addiction treatment or support groups. Highlight the benefits of recovery and reassure them that you’ll support their efforts to make positive changes. If necessary, involve a professional interventionist to help guide the process.
9. What role does Alcoholics Anonymous play in recovery for many addicts?
Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a well-known support group that provides a structured, peer-led approach to recovery. While it may not be the right fit for everyone, many addicts find AA’s community and 12-step program helpful for maintaining sobriety. Encourage your child to explore AA or other support groups that resonate with their needs.
10. How do I protect my own well-being while helping my adult child with a substance use issue?
Caring for yourself is vital when dealing with the challenges of your child’s drug or alcohol problem. Set boundaries, seek support through therapy or a group for parents, and focus on maintaining your mental and physical health. Remember, you can’t control their choices, but you can provide love and encouragement while taking steps to protect your own well-being.
