by Nicole Arzt
All relationships have different degrees of agreed-upon behaviors and dynamics. In healthy relationships, both parties demonstrate mutual respect and compassion for each other’s needs. In these dynamics, communication is clear, it feels safe to express concerns, and there is a sense of support and safety even if disagreement or conflict arises.
With your addict child, your relationship with him or her may feel tense, inconsistent, and even volatile. You may feel a variety of conflicting experiences: like you are walking on eggshells, the feeling of disconnection or blatant disrespect, and even the belief that nothing you say or do actually matters.
Boundaries- which are the limits we set for ourselves and with our loved ones- are critical components in our relationships with our addict child.
Here is a list of “Dos and Don’ts” when parenting an addict child.
Do Support Treatment and Recovery
Addiction straps the sufferer financially, and many addicts who want help are unable to fund their own treatments. One of the greatest acts of love a parent can provide for his or her addict child is the welcoming initiative towards treatment and recovery. This can be through locating residential programs, support group meetings, psychiatrists or therapists, or alternative medications. It can also mean providing financial assistance and support in funding these efforts.
Do decide what is non-negotiable with your addict child, outline the consequences, and STICK TO IT.
As a parent, it is critical to know your own limitations and needs, and it is critical to establish exactly what will happen if those limitations are crossed. Clear communication cannot be emphasized enough. Addiction is built on a foundation of deceit and manipulation, and the front lines of these behaviors often occur within the family itself.
Here are some examples of recommended non-negotiable boundaries for an addict child.
- I will not tolerate any drug use of any kind.
- I will not cover up, lie, or defend your drug use any circumstances.
- I will not bail you out of jail.
- I will not let you live in my home.
- I will not pay for your rent or groceries.
- I will not tolerate being cursed/yelled at.
- I will not provide any forms of transportation.
Setting these boundaries is often difficult- and it may result in backlash or anger from your loved one- but it is essential to demonstrate this consistency.
Do Find Your Own Support
Just as addicts are encouraged to find and cherish support, the same applies to loved ones. Al-Anon, personal therapy, support groups, online forums, or religious services each offer a sense of grounding and camaraderie. This allows for your expression, in a nonjudgmental space, and the ability to receive feedback, empathy, and even advice for your current situation.
Don’t Blame Yourself/Allow Yourself to be Blamed
Parents often fall into a defeating trap of self-blame and self-loathing for their addict child’s problem. In turn, when they receive blame from their children directly (you‘re the reason I‘m this way) or (if you and dad hadn‘t gotten divorced, I wouldn‘t have ended up like this), it can only reinforce guilt.
Regardless of any of your own wrongdoings or shortcoming, your child is responsible for his or her addiction and the subsequent recovery.
DON’T take on the job of getting or keeping your addict child sober
It is not your responsibility to ‘detox’ your addict child or eliminate your home from all potential triggers or stressors. It is not your responsibility to be your child’s therapist, sponsor, or medical doctor. It is not your responsibility to keep track of any risk factors or potential relapse potential. Most of all, it is not your responsibility to keep your child sober.
DON’T neglect your own happiness or health
Many parents overlook their own sanity and individual priorities in the name of rescuing or protecting their addict child. This can be a faulty mistake. Part of your child’s recovery journey will entail personal responsibility for his or her life and actions. You only enhance yourself and the relationship you can have with your loved one by modeling healthy living, relationships, and well-being.
Taking care of your happiness and health means:
- Maintaining a healthy and balanced diet
- Exercising regularly
- Getting adequate sleep
- Attending necessary appointments
- Engaging in meaningful relationships
- Engaging in pleasant activities
- Practicing stress reduction
- Valuing your own goals and desires
Final thoughts: Even if they feel difficult or unfair, boundaries are meant to protect both you and your child’s integrity. Without them, you risk deeply enabling your loved one’s addiction, losing your own sense of self, and experiencing an even a greater sense of discord and disharmony within the home.
If you or a loved one are struggling with an addiction and are seeking treatment, we would love to talk with you and see how we can help you. PLEASE CALL Casa Capri Recovery at 844.252.5221. Our counselors are available to guide you through the process.
Melissa Holmes Goodmon is the founder and CEO of Casa Capri Recovery, a leading California addiction treatment center created just for women—by women. Melissa is a licensed clinician and has stayed on the cutting edge of women’s treatment since 2006. Because of her own beautiful recovery story, she is proud to be among a small group of trailblazers since founding Casa Capri Recovery for Women in 2011, leading the way for other women to join them in this otherwise male-dominated industry. She is considered an advocate for the recovery community in the truest sense, standing up to discrimination and legally fighting for the rights of sober people in recovery to live in peace. To learn more about advocacy or if you’ve experienced discrimination, you can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out casacaprirecovery.com for more information on our program, or please give us a call at 844-207-4880.