All relationships have different degrees of agreed-upon behaviors and dynamics. In healthy relationships, both parties demonstrate mutual respect and compassion for each other’s needs. Communication is clear, it feels safe to express concerns, and there is a sense of support and safety even when disagreement or conflict arises.
With your addicted child, your relationship with him or her may feel tense, inconsistent, and even volatile. You may experience a variety of conflicting feelings, including feelings of disconnection or blatant disrespect, feeling like nothing you say or do actually matters, or feeling like you have to walk on eggshells. If any of this resonates, it’s probably time to learn how to set boundaries with an addict.
Healthy boundaries—which are the limits we set for ourselves and our loved ones—are critical components in our relationships, especially if you have a child struggling with substance use disorder or mental health disorders. Keep reading for a handful of dos and don’ts for setting boundaries for addicts.
Next Steps
If you’re struggling with addiction, you don’t have to face it alone. At Casa Capri, we offer expert, women-centered care in a supportive and nurturing space—designed by women, for women. Our team is here to help you heal with purpose and connection.
Call our admissions team for a free, confidential chat—we’ll even check your insurance and estimate any costs upfront.
Dos and Don’ts: Setting Boundaries & Parenting an Addicted Child
DO Support Treatment and Recovery
Addiction, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse strap the sufferer financially, and many people suffering with substance use disorder who want help are unable to fund their own treatments. One of the greatest acts of love a parent can provide for his or her child struggling with substance abuse is the welcoming initiative towards treatment and addiction recovery. This can be through locating residential programs, support group meetings, family therapy, psychiatrists or therapists, alternative medications, or a sober living house. It can also mean providing financial assistance and support in funding these efforts.
DO Decide What Is Non-negotiable With Your Child, Outline the Consequences, and Stick to It.
As parents or family members, it is critical to know your own feelings, limitations, and needs, set healthy boundaries, and establish exactly what will happen if those limitations are crossed. Clear communication cannot be emphasized enough. Addiction is built on a foundation of deceit and manipulation, and the front lines of these behaviors often occur within the family itself.
Here are some examples of recommended non-negotiable boundaries for an addict child.
I will not tolerate any drug use of any kind.
I will not cover up, lie, or defend your drug use or mental illness.
I will not bail you out of jail.
I will not let you live in my home.
I will not pay for your rent or groceries.
I will not tolerate being cursed/yelled at.
I will not provide any forms of transportation.
Setting these boundaries with an alcoholic or addict is often difficult—and it may result in backlash or anger from your loved one—but it is essential to demonstrate this consistency.
DO Find Your Own Support
Just as addicted individuals are encouraged to find support, the same applies to loved ones and other family members. Support groups for parents of addicts offer a sense of grounding and camaraderie. Your options include Al-Anon, personal therapy, support groups, online forums, or religious services.
Participation in one of these groups allows for free expression in a nonjudgmental space, and it gives you the ability to receive feedback, empathy, and even advice for your current situation. You may also learn how to set boundaries with an addict in these groups. Ultimately, this can create healthier relationships with everyone in your life.
DON'T Blame Yourself/Allow Yourself to Be Blamed
Parents often fall into a defeating trap of self-blame and self-loathing for their addict child’s problem. In turn, when they receive blame from their children directly (you‘re the reason I‘m this way) or (if you and dad hadn‘t gotten divorced, I wouldn‘t have ended up like this), it can only reinforce guilt.
Regardless of any of your own wrongdoings or shortcomings, your child is responsible for his or her addiction and the subsequent recovery.
DON’T take on the job of getting or keeping your addict child sober
It is not your responsibility to ‘detox’ recovering addicts or eliminate your home from all potential triggers or stressors. It is not your responsibility to be your child’s therapist, sponsor, or medical doctor. It is not your responsibility to keep track of any risk factors or potential relapse potential. Most of all, it is not your responsibility to keep your child sober, even if they’re participating in virtual IOP from your home.
DON’T neglect your own happiness or health
Many parents overlook their own sanity and individual priorities in the name of rescuing or protecting their addict child. This can be a faulty mistake. Part of your child’s recovery journey will entail personal responsibility for his or her life and actions. By prioritizing your own happiness and health, you can actually model healthy living, relationships, and well-being. Setting boundaries for addicts is a crucial step to make room for self-care.
Taking care of your happiness and health means:
Maintaining a healthy and balanced diet
Exercising regularly
Getting adequate sleep
Attending necessary appointments
Engaging in meaningful relationships
Engaging in pleasant activities
Practicing stress reduction
Valuing your own goals and desires
Final thoughts: Even if they feel difficult or unfair, setting boundaries for addicts is meant to protect both you and your child’s integrity. Without them, you risk deeply enabling your loved one’s addiction, losing your own sense of self, and experiencing an even greater sense of discord and disharmony within the home.
If you or a loved one are struggling with an addiction and are seeking treatment, we would love to talk with you and see how we can help you. PLEASE CALL Casa Capri Recovery at (949) 749-5027. Our counselors are available to guide you through the process.
Next Steps
If you’re struggling with addiction, you don’t have to face it alone. At Casa Capri, we offer expert, women-centered care in a supportive and nurturing space—designed by women, for women. Our team is here to help you heal with purpose and connection.
Call our admissions team for a free, confidential chat—we’ll even check your insurance and estimate any costs upfront.
Frequently Asked Questions About Setting Boundaries with Addicted Children
What are examples of unhealthy boundaries with addicted children?
Unhealthy boundaries include bailing your child out of legal trouble, ignoring unacceptable behavior, or allowing drug use in the home. These actions often enable the addiction rather than support recovery.
How to make an alcoholic or drug addict realize they have a problem?
You can’t force someone to change, but you can reflect the impact of their behavior using honest, nonjudgmental language. Consistently holding boundaries and encouraging professional support, like an alcohol rehab or drug rehab program, can help them reach a place of self-awareness.
How do I set boundaries without pushing my child away?
Boundaries should be communicated with love, clarity, and consistency. Emphasize that the rules are about safety and respect, not punishment. It’s important to separate your love for your child from acceptance of their behavior.
What should I do if my addicted child refuses help?
You can’t make them get help, but you can protect your well-being by refusing to enable their addiction and encouraging treatment options when they’re ready. Focus on what you can control: your actions, your environment, and your responses.
Is it okay to give my addicted child money if they say it’s for food or rent?
It’s generally not recommended, as financial support can unintentionally fuel their addiction. Instead, offer non-cash assistance like groceries or helping them connect with local resources.
