By Courtney P. | Personal Narrative
I am a 21-year-old female with two children. I’ll never forget the first time I got the ‘first real high’. I was 15 years old. Just placed into DCF custody. I’d always hear those stories of people getting high, enjoying life, enjoying the high. Seemed like all fun and games. I had smoked pot many times before and didn’t give this next time a second thought, as I went to a party and smoked a bowl.
I didn’t notice anything different at first’ But then, I found myself still awake at 4 am wondering where my whole night went.. It couldn’t have gone by this fast. Could it? Throughout the day I realized I hadn’t slept. I went to work, and I hadn’t eaten.. What the hell is wrong with me? I was high for five days straight! I couldn’t move, couldn’t roll over in bed, I could barely speak. It wasn’t until days later that I found out this wasn’t my normal weed I was used to.
Come to find out my weed was laced with the heroine. How the hell could this have happened? TO ME! I always bought from the same guy once a week. This had never happened. The high was so bad but felt so good. I so care-free. From that point on, it was on!
I found myself buying pills, starting out at 1, then 3, then 10. I was 17 by the time I even realized this was happening. 2 years? Still had the same job, in school, a three-year relationship I had it under control no problem’ Or so I thought then.
Then I get locked up at the vail program in Vermont for 5 days.. Itching for one more line, anything to stop me from crashing. Maybe even a half would do. Sitting there feeling the hairs on my arm stand up and moving’ I couldn’t lose this rush I’d had for so long. Puking, dry heaving, laying on the floor in front of a fan, holding my own hands hoping I’d find something- knowing, in reality, I was in rehab.
The fifth and final day finally dragged along and I was free. Free to go back to my life. And I certainly did. Knowing what I know now I could have waited a few more days and I’d be okay to hold myself up. But why bother to go through the pain where I can feel my heart beating at the tip of my fingers? Another offer to try something shows up on my plate and I take it. What’s a reason to say ‘no’ now? Why let go now? Looking around at everything enjoying everything it’s given me.
A week later, few days shy of my 18th birthday’ Pregnant. My instant fear is, ‘Is my baby okay? How the hell can I become clean without anyone knowing and placing me away so I can’t take care of my baby?’ I had to choose my baby or my next feeding. That wasn’t even a question. This was a sign, a sign I deep down inside looking for. This will be my miracle baby. This baby will save my life and I’ll save the babies life. 3 years out I’m clean, able to watch my 2 1/2-year-old and my 9-month-old baby crawl, talk, eat, walk, but most of all wrap their little arms around me and love me.
Not to say I haven’t slipped up. After losing their father to another woman few days shy of giving birth to our second child. I could of’ I could have used and never looked back. I knew I had made it this far. I knew it was going to hurt. I wasn’t sure how I’d do this alone; he was my biggest supporter in my sobriety. He held my hair while I withdrew, while I craved and begged.
I gave birth to a beautiful little boy and as the father and I fought, while he hit me, while he held me at threat I thought about one hit. Just something to keep me strong enough to fight back for my kids. Instead, I found willpower. The same willpower I found to quit and become clean. The one I always call ‘My miracle babies need me’.
I fight this battle day in and day out, I’ve lost people I never thought I would loose while going through a craving or a slip-up, I’ve gained and depended on people I never thought I would be able to.. What a terrible body to live in with this disease. Anytime I question now, I know it’s for my miracle babies, they saved me.
Melissa Holmes Goodmon is the founder and CEO of Casa Capri Recovery, a leading California addiction treatment center created just for women—by women. Melissa is a licensed clinician and has stayed on the cutting edge of women’s treatment since 2006. Because of her own beautiful recovery story, she is proud to be among a small group of trailblazers since founding Casa Capri Recovery for Women in 2011, leading the way for other women to join them in this otherwise male-dominated industry. She is considered an advocate for the recovery community in the truest sense, standing up to discrimination and legally fighting for the rights of sober people in recovery to live in peace. To learn more about advocacy or if you’ve experienced discrimination, you can reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org. Check out casacaprirecovery.com for more information on our program, or please give us a call at 844-207-4880.